Traveling through space and time…
Consciousness dangles amongst confident meteors.
answers to the questions, placed in the
wrong mail slots, scattered across the floor
the disarray is difficult to organize as I step
to the plate. Thoughts are scrambled, information
hazy…The questions are straightforward,
are found in the maze.
Time is disjointed. Space is disarrayed. Ten feet is
longer ten feet. Ten feet is six inches, twelve feet,
changing each moment.
Time is a moment and an hour.
Time drifts, and jolts to a stop.
I must never confront something out of me, in
an attempt to fulfill something in me.
Then he called the crowd to him again,
and said to them, “Hear me, all of you, and understand. There is nothing outside a man that, entering into him, can
defile him; but the things that come out of a man, these are what defile a man. I f anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.”
Mark 7:14 to 7:16
April 23, 1977
The pain is still present. It’s very discouraging. I’m having trouble studying for my biology test.
I’d tell my feelings they weren’t there.
I’d be me, they’d be they.
sit, mow the lawn, walk, run, get out of bed;
What do you do? You’re
twelve years old.
You have no reason
to feel bad.
Yet there is pain.
You think I am me—that isn’t.
You go to school. There is pain.
You try to get rid of the pain.
Tell yourself you don’t feel it.
order to do this, you must give up something—
part of yourself.
I held in the pain.
I denied “Mother” as I got older because I wanted to experience new things. Unfortunately,
“Mother” was also “God,” and also “Christine.” I had three compounding splits. I couldn’t
cry about Christine because the feelings were for my mother.
“But there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, and nothing hidden that will not be made
known. For what you have said in the darkness will be said in the light; and what you have whispered in the inner chambers
will be preached on the housetops.” Luke 12:2 to 12:3
April 27, 1977
It seems there is just a
little more sadness to feel. Dear God, help it to be true. I feel pain. It seems slight, yet strong. It seems everything is
almost gone, although it’s enflamed. I mean, what is present seems to be inflamed, but besides that, my mind is clear.
The world is no world without mother. The world is ended.
God, God, as I’m choking I exclaim! God! Kill it. Kill it. Rip this wretched thing from my soul! It’s
coming out. I’ve got to concentrate, and become the pain. It’s fitting that the pain destroys me, before I destroy
it. Oh God—my mind has touched when I was a child, and felt good. I feel like I’m almost there—but this
could only be a high.
Thoughts of my childhood
seem like they happened today. They feel very recent. People don’t live long enough to become old. All around, I see
young people wrapped in aging bodies.
“And I say to you, everyone who
acknowledges me before men, him will the Son of Man also acknowledge before the angels of God. But whoever disowns me before
men will be disowned before the angels of God.” Luke 12:8 to 12:9
She’s gone. I wouldn’t want (sixth grade), because it reminded me of wanting my mother, and thinking she
Mommy, oh ultimate one!
are the air, the respiration,
spirit of the soul.
You were my home
moment I awoke from
the eternal sleep and emerged to
How I long for you. Your
is my ultimate sustenance.
May 7, 1977
A sphere is a conscious moment in time. What is in your sphere? Look at the sphere the same way
you’d look up to the stars. Examine what is present. Is there a difference between the ideal, and
what is present? Do you feel worse than you’d like? If so, fight! That’s what I did. There were thoughts adjacent
to my thoughts. These thoughts made me miserable! I dared to examine them no matter how infantile and disingenuous they seemed.
How embarrassing! Mommy? Mommy? What adult would think such a thing? Look at the thoughts! It’s the least thought in
the mind that is, emotionally, the most important! The weakest part of the foundation determines the fate of the strongest.
Remember, “That which will seem against you will be for you.” Remember, “…But many who are first now will be last, and many who are last now
will be first.” Mark 10:31
In the third grade, I became mischievous. I liked to fight. But then, the ghost from the past engulfed
me—I realized my mother would someday die. Feelings that were dormant for years crept back into mind. But I had forgotten
why they were there. When I was “good,” they left. When I was “bad,” they came.
I didn’t want to take a chance on being bad. I needed to be good. I became religious. “God” was the
feelings from the hospital of my mother coming back. I’d say without God, I didn’t want to live. I’d make
myself do things—thus pleasing “God.”
was a buffer; “God” was a cushion from the pain; “God” blocked the pain. “God” seems to
be the first form “Mother” changed into. But although this is so, my love for my mother still existed, and a somewhat
realistic view of what God was. I loved them separately, yet as one.
must dissipate “God.” Pleasing “God” meant doing right for the wrong reason. Pleasing “God”
meant pleasing people for the wrong reason.
An act has no meaning without the thought behind it.
An act is morally hollow,
it does not sprout virtue.
An act is an object like a rock,
a pebble or
Its only meaning is the one associated
without the meaning we give the
it is meaningless.
Pleasing my mother meant I was good. It protected me from the pain. This kept me from the truth. This made it harder
to overcome the emotional scars. This created a mass, an area of dull feeling, an area of non-reality that permeated my being.
Sometimes being good is bad.
Feelings were present
to hide other feelings;
mother, obeying “God”
And now I stand at the doorway.
I call “God” out.
I call “Mother” out.
I say, stop
it! You will smother me no more.
I will come
out and disobey and do what I please.
I am not a slave.
It’s better to be mischievous and disobedient,
dynamic and young,
than stunted and muted and obedient.
Virtue for the
sake of reward is not virtue, but chains.
“Anyone who curses his father or mother shall be put to death; since
he has cursed his father or mother, he has forfeited his life.” Leviticus 20:9
words can be found in the Bible. God is wisdom, not vengeance; God is love, not murder; see Satan in these words, and acknowledge
the unholy deeds committed worldwide because of Satan’s words in Holy Books.
The walls of “Mother” are falling!
“You shall not make for yourselves molten gods.” Exodus 34:17
I created a false mother that mutated into a false god. Overcoming
the false mother and false god was very important.
San Jose State University
Aug. 31, 1977
Having come down in a cloud, the Lord stood with him there and proclaimed his name, “Lord.” Thus
the Lord passed before him and cried out, “The Lord, the Lord, a merciful and gracious God, slow to anger and rich in
kindness and fidelity, continuing his kindness for a thousand generations, and forgiving wickedness and crime and sin; yet
not declaring the guilty guiltless, but punishing children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generation for their
fathers’ wickedness!” Exodus 34:5 to 34:7
Tonight I rode my bike to San Jose State to see where I had to
go tomorrow for my classes. There was a band playing, and I was able to relate what I felt in the hospital to what I was feeling
that moment. Everything hurt a lot. I went under a tree where no one could see me and cried. I realized the pain wasn’t
my fault. After thinking my mother was dead, I was facing total catastrophe. It was like a curse.
While under the tree, I thought about a house near the school. There were insane people inside. Due to Governor Reagan’s
budget cuts, the campus at San Jose State is surrounded by homes for the
mentally ill. We call them “nut houses.” These people walk around the campus during the day. One man imagines
someone is following him. The person following keeps poking him on the shoulder. He never stops poking him. The man swats
at him to make him leave. People stand like statues. Sometimes they stand in the middle of traffic. One man poses as if he’s
the Statue of Liberty! These people are trapped inside themselves. I felt close to them. In my mind, I could see a hand over
the house. In a flash, I found myself somewhere else. I was in a desert, walking along a path. The mentally ill people were
with me. They seemed sane. They were crying to get out of the desert. This was a well-traveled path. It looked like a lot
of people had traveled this trail, and a lot never made it out. We walked by several dead bodies. The man with
the fellow poking him pleaded with the man to stop. I intervened. I told him to let the idiot poke him until he got tired
of it. Maybe that would solve the problem. “I’ll never let him get what he wants,” snorted the man. “You
must forgive him,” I replied. “If you don’t, he’ll never stop tormenting you.”
I then realized in order to overcome the emotional scars, I needed to forgive myself for believing my mother was dead.
This was very difficult, for even if I forgave in the present moment, it wouldn’t mean I’d forgive in the past.
The different forms of thought were like different generations.
Each form of thought was faced separately. When one form of thought was forgiven, the other forms of thought wailed in pain,
waiting, until they were also forgiven.
A generation that cannot forgive roams history like
a ghost. It is very important for nations to forgive each other. If they don’t, they curse their children. Not to forgive
is to roam the mind like a ghost. Sometimes the hate surfaces, and other times it looms in the shadows, but it’s always
harmful. Parenthetically, the campus at San Jose State was surrounded by homes for the mentally ill, and I did see them walking
around the campus. The night before school, I road my bike to the campus, heard the music, and realized that the hospital
experience was like a curse from the past. Sitting under a tree, thinking about the future and the past, I cried. However,
the story about the desert was conceived and written years later.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Thou
shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thy enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, and
pray for those who persecute and calumniate you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven, who makes his sun to
rise on the good and the evil, and sends rain on the just and the unjust.” Mathew 5:43 to 5:45
So tomorrow I go forward into another era of my life! God bless this era. Please God, let it be a happy one!
At this point, I was still in a lot of trouble. Although I remembered the hospital and the test, it was like seeing
a huge mountain from far away. It seemed so close you can reach out and touch it, but you only see its contours. You
can’t see the important details of the mountain. You can’t feel the cold of its peaks, or the hardness of its
stone. The fact that I remembered wasn’t good enough. Memory didn’t reduce the pain. Remembering was like removing
bandages to see a raw, unhealed wound. There was less fantasy, less places to escape; the lava pounded me.
Memories from years after the hospital constantly popped into view. I needed to deal with these
memories to come closer to the mountain. I saw the contours of the test spread from one year to the next. Slowly,
as I dealt with eight grade, second grade, fourth grade, and others, I dealt with how the hospital affected me. I removed
the soil that was in the way. I finally felt the cold of the mountain’s peak, and touched the hard stone.
Sept. 21, 1977
said the Lord, “is the covenant I will make. Before the eyes of all your people I will work such marvels as have never
been wrought in any nation anywhere on earth, so that this people among whom you live may see how awe-inspiring are the deeds
which I, the Lord, will do at your side. But you, on your part, must keep the commandments I am giving you today.” Exodus
34:10 to 34:11
There is no choice to make. I cannot choose something over what my body wants. I must face what my body wants and needs
I stand before the great god,
god of my body and past.
I must kneel before
it and bow
to its wishes. I must
it and become one…
April 24, 1978
I sink into the feeling, and with the help of 1-2 thought from sixth grade down, dissipate. More and more, it seems
I’m breaking away from high school repressions. When I think 1-2 thought from the hospital, I stand a good chance of
never being bothered by the projecting repression again.
the repression persists, it’s because sensations from high school arise, and block memory. I name these repressions,
feelings of the hospital, and 1-2 thought from high school pops up. I remember these experiences as if they’re happening
in the present moment. I see the emotions and relive experiences. When I do this, I’m cured from the specific emotions
that were bothering me.
I’ve been remembering childhood experiences
from around four to five years of age, and linking the emotions to the hospital. Instead of dissipating stuck feelings from
high school, I’ve been bypassing that, and going directly to the hospital. 1-2 thought from childhood is coming easily,
and with it base thoughts from the hospital.
of the hospital mean more 1-2 thought, and more connections are needed. Memory means there is something blocking my mind from
experiencing the base thoughts! I must link this memory with different experiences. Once doing so, sooner or later, as I scrape
off excess emotions from different periods, the base thoughts come. It is inevitable that I be cured; no string is infinite.
It’s not just any kind of memory that will cure me. It’s 1-2 thought, vivid memory! Memory that isn’t
1-2 thought is 1-4 thought or higher. Memory that isn’t vivid must be scrutinized. Is it 1-4, 1-8, 1-16, 1-32, or 1-64
thought? The thought sections must be separated into 1-4 thought. The different layers of soil must be identified. Then, by
applying 1-2 thought, memory comes! Memory is often distant, vague, and cloudy. This means emotions and memories are piled
onto it. These excess thoughts and emotions must be scraped off by applying 1-2 thought. Doing so, I move closer to the mountain.
Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said,
“Why could not we cast it out?” He said to them, “Because of your little faith; for amen I say to you, if
you have faith like a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Remove from here’; and it will remove. And
nothing will be impossible to you.” Mathew 17:18 to 17:19
April 25, 1978
I’m in horrible pain. I remember the awful moments, but there are still mental blocks. One undissipated moment
is when I saw my mother walk away, and thought she abandoned me. I’ve been walking around with those feelings in me.
I’m close to the inner core, the molten lava. 1-4 thought and higher cloud the memory. Until I identify the
1-4 thought, and apply 1-2 thought, the pain will torture me. I must identify the thoughts and memories that are blocking
the 1-2 thought. Once doing so, I must simultaneously concentrate on the memory of the hospital, and the thoughts and memories
clouding my thinking. This will produce 1-2 thought.
I’m lucky to the deepest soul. I’m
dissipating my past. I’m calling subconscious feelings what they are—and these feelings, entangled in my motives
and actions, are becoming memory.
God is everywhere, like a mirror
that can never be covered! God is here and there! God is now and then! God is today and tomorrow! Breathe, and smell God.
Touch, and touch God! Hear, and hear God! Taste, and taste God! The moment is God; rejoice in the moment, because the moment
is God! What is “I am?” “I am” is a mirror image of God!
To search for God is to look deep inside. One cannot truly know oneself, without knowing God. Living without God is
a type of self-estrangement.
“But,” said Moses to God, “when I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The
God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ if they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what am I to tell them?”
God replied, “I am who am.” Then he added, “This is what you shall tell the Israelites: I AM sent me to
you.” Exodus 3:13 to 3:14
June 20, 1978
I’ve been feeling lousy. I’ve been connecting repressions from junior high to the moments after I watched
my mother walk away. That is when I realized more and more I was growing up, and thus, “losing” my mother. Although
I say I’ve been feeling lousy, this “lousy,” compared to the past, feels great. I’m dissipating the
test. I’m connecting the past to the present. Good feelings are percolating within. It won’t be long until I’ve
dissipated the test. I can get mad, and yell and scream!
“Woe to you, Scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because you clean
the outside of the cup and the dish, but within they are full of robbery and uncleanness. Thou blind Pharisee! clean first
the inside of the cup and of the dish, that the outside too may be clean.” Mathew 23:25 to 23:26
Aug. 29, 1978
I’m consciously doing what I did in third grade
in order to bring out memory. I act it out in my mind, and make connections when new feelings come out. While I act it out,
I realize I’m doing it subconsciously, and that’s why the feelings are present. Acting it out is like getting
stagnate water moving again. Once doing so, the thoughts revitalize, and memory comes. Connections are made throughout my
life. The stagnate thoughts mix with fresh thoughts of the present moment.
As Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets
of the Commandments in his hands, he did not know that the skin of his face had become radiant while he conversed with the
Lord. When Aaron, then, and the other Israelites saw Moses and noticed how radiant the skin of his face had become, they were
afraid to come near him. Only after Moses called to them did Aaron and all the rulers of the community come back to him. Moses
then spoke to them. Exodus 34:29 to 34:31
Part of me I Always Hated
Oct. 27, 1978
I’m being cured, but it is not beautiful. I hate myself. I love myself, too. Just because the love overcomes
the hate, it doesn’t mean it feels good.
I could easily give up, it’s just that there’s
nowhere to go. There’s no chair to sit in where I won’t hate myself.
I hate myself for most everything, anything for an excuse to hate myself. I’m a genius at thinking of reasons
to. Constant hate, constant nuisance, disturbance, pain.
The part of me I always hated,
I’m the one
that thinks stupid things,
that makes wrong
gets scared because
It’s my fault.
I tried to stop being scared,
but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t stop being me.
I’m still scared, just like then. I haven’t changed. I’m
scared of stupid things, just like then. I’m scared of not studying, not doing good in school. Not going out when I
want to. Not being liked. Not eating. Loosing weight. Not asking a special girl out. Not spelling these stupid words right.
Losing at anything I constantly think of. Car breaking down. Looking ugly. Saying stupid things.
As I looked at the lizard, the lizard began to look familiar. Its eyes looked similar to someone. I had seen its nose,
its chin, its cheeks. Oh yes, I saw the lizard when I looked in the mirror. I was the lizard.
time, I realized the molten log belonged in me. It was the thoughts that avoided and condemned that were wrong! I had to focus
on why I didn’t want the molten log present. The problem wasn’t so much unconscious thought, the problem was conscious
thought. It was thoughts I had been thinking for a long time; so long, I barely noticed. The thoughts were habitual, like
my physical posture or golf swing! At the age of seventeen, I was still screaming in my mind, “Didn’t
think it, didn’t think it, didn’t think it…” This was a reflex, a relic from the past!
I needed to respect the molten feeling to reverse the condemnation and release the pent up emotions. I confronted the lizard
and told it to stop hating. I loved my thoughts for what they were and nothing more. My thoughts didn’t have to prove
anything. My thoughts were home inside. I could think anything and it was worthwhile—God doesn’t make junk thoughts.
Previously shunned thoughts were gathered around the altar, like children during a Sunday Mass, and told they were valued
and loved. I loved these thoughts more than any thought in my mind.
I guarded my thoughts; when I sensed judgment, I chose
the molten feeling over ego; I questioned morals and beliefs, when they caused condemnation, I discarded them. Self respect
was the love overcoming the hate.
And sitting down,
he called the Twelve and said to them, “If any man wishes to be first, he shall be last of all, and servant of all.” And
he took a little child, and set him in their midst, and taking him into his arms, he said to them, “Whoever receives
one such little child for my sake, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.” Mark
9:34 to 9:36
Nov. 1, 1978
Pain and disturbance are still present, but I’m remembering more and more like it is in the present moment.
11:05 P.M. I’m extremely tired. Both yesterday
and today I experienced headaches by 4:00 P.M. due to consciously clinging to the pain. The pain
is slipping into memory. The pain is becoming less and less, as I remember more and more.
Nov. 3, 1978
I’m concentrating on the feelings and remembering. I would have asked this girl out, but by not doing so, it’s
like admitting I thought my mother was dead. I like her a lot, but these feelings make everything complicated. Things are
coming to an end. It’s either me or the repressions, both of us can’t last.
The body decided I would not go out.
mind noticed this,
and respected the
“Oh no.” you
say. “You decided
not to go out?”
deciding not to go
I was becoming one with myself not only in my thoughts but my actions. My younger self didn’t want to go out,
so I became one with it by staying home. Only then, when ready, could we leave the room together.
And they were bringing little children to him that he might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought
them. But when Jesus saw them, he was indignant, and said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder
them, for of such is thekingdom of God. Amen I say to you, whoever does
not accept theKingdom of God as a little child will not enter
it.” And he put his arms about them, and laying his hands upon them, he began to bless them. Mark 10:13 to 10:16
Nov. 4, 1978
10:41 A.M. I feel drowsy and dizzy like I did at the hospital.
I can’t believe the state I’m in. It’s like suspended animation. My body feels funny, almost like its foreign;
these bones, these teeth, muscles; my body feels too large, like it isn’t mine.
Like a fingerprint,
each moment is unique.
it, experience it, embrace it,
moment will never come again…
1:55 P.M. I’m all alone this weekend. My
parents went to Lake Tahoe. I’m sitting here alone with no music playing or anything. If I
wasn’t sick, I’d ask this girl out, for sure, but I put feelings for my mother onto her. I feel that I can be
cured shortly, and then ask her out.
“…But many who are first now will be last, and many who are last now will be first.” Mark 10:31
Nov. 5, 1978
I once thought memory would come easily after a certain point, but nothing is coming easily. This process of being
cured is a very slow one. In the mean time, my mind periodically sizzles.
9:37 A.M. I’ve experienced some base thoughts from the test. The last base thoughts
were produced about a month ago. The water is moving faster and faster. I’m feeling better. I haven’t dissipated
everything, but perhaps I’ve turned the corner.
I’m at the boarder. I’m
from one state to
Go ahead, step through.
Put the book DOWN!
I can leave the
breath fresh air!
It’s been a rough rapid. The
is soon to approach.
It seems impossible
that I can
step ashore, yet I
Luke 6:27 to 6:49
“But I say to
you who are listening: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you, pray for those who calumniate
you. And to him who strikes thee on the one cheek, offer the other also; and from him who takes away thy cloak, do not withhold
thy tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of thee, and from him who takes away thy goods, ask no return. And even as you
wish men to do you, so also do to them. And if you love those who love you, what merit have you? For even sinners love those
who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what merit have you? For even sinners do that. And if you lend
to those from whom you hope to receive in return, what merit have you? For even sinners lend to sinners that they
may get back as much in return. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, not hoping for any return, and your reward shall
be great, and you shall be children of the Most High, for he is kind towards the ungrateful and evil. Be merciful, therefore,
even as your Father is merciful.
Do not judge, and you shall not be judged; do not condemn, and you shall
not be condemned. Forgive, and you shall be forgiven; give, and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken
together, running over, shall they pour into your lap. For with what measure you measure, it shall be measured to you.”
he spoke a parable also to them, “Can a blind man guide a blind man? Will not both fall into a pit? No disciple is above
his teacher; but when perfected, everyone will be like his teacher. But why dost thou see the speck in thy brother’s
eye, and yet dost not consider the beam in thy own eye? And how canst thou say to thy brother, ‘Brother, let me cast
out the speck from thy eye,’ while thou thyself dost not see the beam in thy own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out
the beam from thy own eye, and then thou wilt see clearly to cast out the speck from thy brother’s eye.
there is no good tree that bears bad fruit, nor is there a bad tree that bears good fruit. For every tree is known by its
fruit. For from thorns men do not gather figs, neither from a bramble do they harvest grapes. The good man from the good treasure
of his heart brings forth that which is good; and the evil man from the evil treasure brings forth that which is evil. For
out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
But why do you call me, ‘Lord,
Lord,’ and do not practice the things that I say? Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and acts upon them, I
will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid a foundation upon rock. And when a
flood came, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it; because it was founded on rock. But he who has heard
my words and has not acted upon them is like a man who built his house upon ground without a foundation; against which the
stream broke and straightway it fell in, and great was the wreck of that house.”