Scripture and The Miracle Inside My Mind

The Result of the Vision of Christ
Emotional Trauma and School
Sex and Emotional Trauma
Adolescence and Emotional Trauma
God, Friends, and the Opposite Sex
Correct Thinking
Types of Thought
Scripture and The Miracle Inside My Mind
The Equation of Thought
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This section is a compilation of the Bible quotes found in "The Miracle Inside My Mind."  

Christian Principals and P.T.S.D.


121     Christian principles are linked to overcoming Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The number one, in the Equation of Thought, represents the most powerful thing inside us:

“But,” said Moses to God, “when I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ if they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what am I to tell them?” God replied, “I am who am.” Then he added, “This is what you shall tell the Israelites: I AM sent me to you.” Exodus 3:13 to 3:14


122     Christ spoke of inner cleanliness, which to me is the most important reason to overcome emotional trauma, because it’ll make you a better person and bring you closer to God: “Woe to you, Scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but within they are full of robbery and uncleanness. Thou blind Pharisee! Clean first the inside of the cup and of the dish, that the outside too may be clean.” Mathew 23:25 to 23:26


123     Christ spoke of children, and I relate it to the child within:  And sitting down, he called the Twelve and said to them, “If any man wishes to be first, he shall be last of all, and servant of all.” And he took a little child, and set him in their midst, and taking him into his arms, he said to them, “Whoever receives one such little child for my sake, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.” Mark 9:34 to 9:36


124     And they were bringing little children to him that he might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw them, he was indignant, and said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for of such is the kingdom of God. Amen I say to you, whoever does not accept the Kingdom of God as a little child will not enter it.” And he put his arms about them, and laying his hands upon them, he began to bless them.  Mark 10:13 to 10:16


125     I speak of the danger of moral righteousness and the need to be humble to see your errors and improve yourself. Christ said: “But many who are first now will be last, and many who are last now will be first.” Mark 10:31

In the Gospel of Luke, Christ said: “Do not judge and you shall not be judged; do not condemn, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you shall be forgiven…” I had to stop judging, stop condemning, and forgive myself to overcome the childhood trauma.


126     While writing this book, I thought about the story of Moses. I felt inspired by Moses. Moses walked across the desert, and in a sense, I walked across the desert in my mind. Moses freed the Jews, and I freed myself for the glory of God. God talked to Moses. I picked up an old family Bible given to me by my mother; it dated back to the early seventies. I didn’t know where in the Bible to find the story of Moses. I figured it was in the Old Testament, so it would be somewhere in the beginning. I placed my thumb on the thick book toward the front, and opened it.  I opened the Bible to the book of Exodus, and the exact pages I’d been interested reading. “…I Am sent me to you,” were the words I read. Throughout chapter two, I included Bible quotes where I felt inspired to place them. I hope the reader, like me, is also inspired by the great words of the Bible.


127      The following upside down pyramid demonstrates the Christian principal that the greatest among us will be the servant of all. The single circle represents 1-2 thought. Above the 1-2 thought is 1-4 thought. Above the 1-4 thought is 1-8 thought. The next group of circles would represent 1-16 thought. Above the 1-16 thought would be 1-32 thought. Above the 1-32 thought would be 1-64 thought. The greatest thought, 1-2 thought, stands alone at the bottom, and holds up the other thought. By concentrating upon 1-2 thought, an individual can transform the other thought into 1-2 thought. With the strength of 1-2 thought, the person can survive the other thought.

128     The first among us shall be the servant of all. The greatest people are those who do the most to serve humankind, and so it is inside; the greatest thought is the one that serves the mind, and allows an individual to overcome Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The greatest people are those who are like a bridge to other people and nations. They allow different cultures to share in thought for the betterment of humankind. And so it is within, the greatest thought, 1-2 thought, allows different parts of the mind to communicate. Edit Text


     I viewed overcoming my problems as a challenge from God. You can too. You must accept the challenge.  I was called to overcome Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The duel is a type of spiritual athletic event, a competition, a sport.  The challenge is similar to skiing, boxing, mountain climbing, or a chess match.  In all contests, you have an opponent, yourself, and the victor is the one that overcomes the other. 

     The winner over Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is the one who overcomes both the inner world, with thoughts and feelings, and the outer world, with people. In both worlds, stimuli, influences, are touching the senses, and entering the conscious mind. Visualize both worlds. Visualizing them is very important because both worlds are a powerful influence, and capable of ruining a life. You must respect both worlds.  Respecting both worlds is your ticket to enter the playing field.     

     Time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, but people think it does. They’ll say it happened a long time ago, so get over it—You’re left alone like a person locked at the bottom of the sea, unable to share the sights, feelings, and thoughts. Only you know how you feel, and you must respect that. You must stake your claim in your ocean, and proclaim it as a part of your life, regardless that no one else can see it. 

      Anger is often the result of inner conflicts. What happens with your thoughts gets confused with what is happening in the world. People don’t understand because they can’t see inside you. They may think you’re weird or crazy.  They seldom help because they aren’t capable. Usually, they’ve got their own problems, and can’t help themselves. It’s frustrating, but forgive them. It isn’t their fault. Forgiving is practice for forgiving yourself; forgiving is important to end the anger. The moment I forgave myself for what I felt and thought was one of the most important moments in my life.  Remember:   


“For if you forgive men their offenses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you your offenses. But if you do not forgive men, neither will your Father forgive you your offenses.” Mathew 6:14-15

    Whether or not you know why the feelings are present, acknowledge them.  I started out not knowing why I had the feelings, and later, discovered why. If you already know what caused the feelings, consider that an advantage. Each time you acknowledge a bad feeling, and recall the cause, or possible causes, more emotions will appear. This happened to me over and over and over, and I kept fighting. The enemy, the powerful experience that created the emotions, is hiding behind memories and thoughts. It may become frustrating, but be strong. Have faith in God. There is an end.  Get ready for an onslaught of feelings, but don’t worry, in the end, you’ll win. This is a sport. In this sport, like in other sports, the best way to avoid injury is to stop worrying about getting hurt.

    Ask God for assistance. Ask Christ for help: “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it shall be opened…” Mathew 7:7-8


 The Blame for Thoughts

   It’s easy to blame yourself for your thoughts, because, after all, they’re your thoughts. I often felt the way described below:

   A good person wouldn’t have the evil thoughts. Something has been done to bring the evil into the room. No one else can enter here, so the fault is the one who is.  Other people don’t experience the lava and smoke.  Their lives are free.  They associate with ease.  It’s better to conceal the lava and smoke—this is a dirty secret. It’s better they never know. Why tell anyone of the evil within?  Why let anyone know?  Why degrade yourself?  It’s hard enough to make a friend. 

  I blamed myself for my thoughts, and didn’t trust myself to think the right thoughts. I didn’t respect my thoughts, and feared that at any moment, I could be thinking something bad. The inward alienation created feelings of distrust toward other people:

    This is like being in a fish tank looking out to the world. Notice the way people live, laugh, and associate—they seem so foreign. Your reality isn’t a part of theirs. They can’t imagine what’s happening inside you.    

    A thought can’t be taken back. Once you think you’ve been abandoned, you can’t take away the feelings, even if it was untrue. You can’t change a thought anymore than what happened two seconds ago.  If you’re two years old, and thinking wrong things, who can save you? Who can ever know you’re in trouble? No one may even notice until years later, and at that point, they’re grabbing at shadows. They’ll justify your behavior with ideas of chemical imbalances, or fancy sounding diseases. The only thing helped is the observer’s ego; but, you’re still in trouble, with no help in sight. In fact, you may be in more trouble, because then they fill you with justifications, and worse yet, drugs. But luckily, I didn’t tell anyone I was in trouble. They couldn’t harm me. I’m not saying people shouldn’t take their medication. I know nothing about drugs, but I do know about thoughts. I had to deal with my thoughts to solve my problem.

     No one can be touched, with each effort, the hands miss. It’s difficult to know when to laugh, when to smile, when to speak, and what to say. What are these people thinking? Your words fall on distrustful, self serving ears—you say your piece, but your piece isn’t a part of the whole.

   I felt alienated, but believed in perseverance, the strength in knowing I had myself, and would never give up. As long as I believed in myself and didn’t give up, there was hope. I was incapable of admitting to people what was happening, but was able to slowly reveal the thoughts and feelings to myself. Once I began to make advances against the thoughts and feelings, I was encouraged and wanted more. I saw 1-4 thought as something that could be defeated, and would be defeated—it was only a matter of time. In addition to feeling alienated from people, I felt separated from God. The inward alienation was taking over every facet of my life: 

    If there was a God, there wouldn’t be this evil. God isn’t in the room. God either doesn’t exist or has left.  No one can help.  No one. 

   Although I felt like God had abandoned me, I sensed that he actually hadn’t. It was just that I had to do certain things for myself that only I could.  Only I could change the way I thought and reacted to my thoughts.  My thoughts are my responsibility. I had to decide to change, because only I could. God wouldn’t decide for me. God wouldn’t do for me what I had to do for myself. God gave me the ability to think, and I had to use it. I had to stop waiting for God to save me, and save myself. There’s only a certain amount that God will do for you.

   I realized that I shouldn’t deny having a thought anymore than lie about having a physical possession. Thoughts are possessions, too. Although I wasn’t honest with people concerning my inner problems, I could be honest with myself. I only needed to be honest with myself. The problem was inside, and only those inside needed to know. Only Christ needed to know. Only God needed to know. I acknowledged the most painful and undesirable thoughts inside me. Only then could I please God and make constructive changes. Remember John 8:32 “…and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

   I didn’t have faith that God would think for me. I gave up on that. Thinking was my job; however, I had faith that Christ would help me think. I had faith that Christ would provide the strength so that I could think. With God’s help, I was able to think. With God’s help, you can think, too. No matter the emotional obstacle, God can help you react differently to your thoughts. I created a mental image of Christ helping me think. I saw it in my minds eye, and stared at it. This helped me change the way I reacted to my thoughts. If you’re depressed, Christ can help you think constructively, and the way you react to the depression will change. If you suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Christ can help you overcome it. If you’re confronted with 1-4 thought, Christ can help you understand it. If you have a mental disorder, create a mental image of Christ helping you, and he will. Read chapter two and you’ll see that it’s possible. Remember, “I can do all things in him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13


      Other people couldn’t see inside me. Only I could see inside myself. I didn’t need other people to solve my problems--sure, maybe, if the right person came along and knew everything to say, they could have helped--but for me, it wasn’t in the cards; and besides, my problems seemed too embarrassing to discuss. No one will like you for having a mental problem. No one will say, “What a fun person, he’s depressed.” Or, “What an interesting person, he has powerful mood swings.”
     Society shuns the feelings in the same way the individual shuns himself. Fortunately, I didn’t need to talk about my problems. I needed to think about my problems. I needed to open up to myself, and allow my thoughts to reveal what was happening inside. With Christ’s help, I was able to do this.
As stated previously, I blamed myself for my thoughts. It was okay to blame myself because they were my thoughts; but, with Christ’s help, I learned to accept the blame. I learned to love my enemy. I learned to stop shunning myself for my thoughts. Remember Christ’s great words: “But I say to you, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who persecute and calumniate you.” Mathew 6:44

      Remember the golden rule and apply it inside your mind:“Therefore all that you wish men to do to you, even so do you also to them: for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Mathew 7:12 Treat yourself the way you want others’ to treat you. Treat yourself with respect, caring, and love. Be kind. Don’t be vengeful. Listen, and take seriously what you hear.

      The Bible teaches that Christ cured illnesses: “Now when it was evening, they brought to him many who were possessed, and he cast out the spirits with a word, and cured all who were sick…” Mathew 8:16 Christ can help you just like he helped me. A word was used to cast out the spirits. A word represents a thought. With the help of Christ, thoughts can be used to change dangerous thought patterns that ruin lives!

      Previously, I mentioned The Equation of Thought. I was able to visualize the equation because I accepted the blame for my thoughts. This allowed me to succeed against the dangerous thought patterns that created the lava, smoke, and lizard. Christ helped me to visualize the equation.

“…And great crowds came to him, bringing with them the dumb, the blind, the lame, and the maimed, and many others; and they set them down at his feet, and he cured them; so that the crowds marveled to see the dumb speak, the lame walk, and the blind see…” Mathew 15:29-31 Read chapter two, and I believe you’ll marvel at the way Christ helped me think. You’ll marvel at my thoughts, and realize that Christ can help you, too.

Traveling through space and time…

Consciousness dangles amongst confident meteors.

The answers to the questions, placed in the

wrong mail slots, scattered across the floor

the disarray is difficult to organize as I step

up to the plate. Thoughts are scrambled, information

hazy…The questions are straightforward, the answers

are found in the maze.

Time is disjointed. Space is disarrayed. Ten feet is

no longer ten feet. Ten feet is six inches, twelve feet,

changing each moment. Time is a moment and an hour.

Time drifts, and jolts to a stop.

      I must never confront something out of me, in an attempt to fulfill something in me.

Then he called the crowd to him again, and said to them, “Hear me, all of you, and understand. There is nothing outside a man that, entering into him, can defile him; but the things that come out of a man, these are what defile a man. I f anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.” Mark 7:14 to 7:16

April 23, 1977

      The pain is still present. It’s very discouraging. I’m having trouble studying for my biology test.

I’d tell my feelings they weren’t there.

I’d be me, they’d be they.

I’d sit, mow the lawn, walk, run, get out of bed;

I’d feel pain.

What do you do? You’re twelve years old.

You have no reason to feel bad.

Yet there is pain. You think I am me—that isn’t.

You go to school. There is pain.

You try to get rid of the pain.

How? Tell yourself you don’t feel it.

In order to do this, you must give up something—

a part of yourself.

I held in the pain.

      I denied “Mother” as I got older because I wanted to experience new things. Unfortunately, “Mother” was also “God,” and also “Christine.” I had three compounding splits. I couldn’t cry about Christine because the feelings were for my mother.

But there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, and nothing hidden that will not be made known. For what you have said in the darkness will be said in the light; and what you have whispered in the inner chambers will be preached on the housetops.” Luke 12:2 to 12:3

April 27, 1977

      It seems there is just a little more sadness to feel. Dear God, help it to be true. I feel pain. It seems slight, yet strong. It seems everything is almost gone, although it’s enflamed. I mean, what is present seems to be inflamed, but besides that, my mind is clear. The world is no world without mother. The world is ended.

      God, God, as I’m choking I exclaim! God! Kill it. Kill it. Rip this wretched thing from my soul! It’s coming out. I’ve got to concentrate, and become the pain. It’s fitting that the pain destroys me, before I destroy it. Oh God—my mind has touched when I was a child, and felt good. I feel like I’m almost there—but this could only be a high.

      Thoughts of my childhood seem like they happened today. They feel very recent. People don’t live long enough to become old. All around, I see young people wrapped in aging bodies.

“And I say to you, everyone who acknowledges me before men, him will the Son of Man also acknowledge before the angels of God. But whoever disowns me before men will be disowned before the angels of God.” Luke 12:8 to 12:9

She’s gone. I wouldn’t want (sixth grade), because it reminded me of wanting my mother, and thinking she was dead.


Mommy, oh ultimate one!

You are the air, the respiration,

the spirit of the soul.

You were my home the

moment I awoke from

the eternal sleep and emerged to

the world.

How I long for you. Your presence

is my ultimate sustenance.

May 7, 1977

      A sphere is a conscious moment in time. What is in your sphere? Look at the sphere the same way you’d look up to the stars. Examine what is present. Is there a difference between the ideal, and what is present? Do you feel worse than you’d like? If so, fight! That’s what I did. There were thoughts adjacent to my thoughts. These thoughts made me miserable! I dared to examine them no matter how infantile and disingenuous they seemed. How embarrassing! Mommy? Mommy? What adult would think such a thing? Look at the thoughts! It’s the least thought in the mind that is, emotionally, the most important! The weakest part of the foundation determines the fate of the strongest. Remember, “That which will seem against you will be for you.” Remember, “…But many who are first now will be last, and many who are last now will be first.” Mark 10:31

Aug. 2, 1977


      In the third grade, I became mischievous. I liked to fight. But then, the ghost from the past engulfed me—I realized my mother would someday die. Feelings that were dormant for years crept back into mind. But I had forgotten why they were there. When I was “good,” they left. When I was “bad,” they came.

I didn’t want to take a chance on being bad. I needed to be good. I became religious. “God” was the feelings from the hospital of my mother coming back. I’d say without God, I didn’t want to live. I’d make myself do things—thus pleasing “God.”

“God” was a buffer; “God” was a cushion from the pain; “God” blocked the pain. “God” seems to be the first form “Mother” changed into. But although this is so, my love for my mother still existed, and a somewhat realistic view of what God was. I loved them separately, yet as one.

I must dissipate “God.” Pleasing “God” meant doing right for the wrong reason. Pleasing “God” meant pleasing people for the wrong reason.

An act has no meaning without the thought behind it.

An act is morally hollow,

it does not sprout virtue.

An act is an object like a rock,

a pebble or boulder.

Its only meaning is the one associated with it,

without the meaning we give the object,

it is meaningless.

      Pleasing my mother meant I was good. It protected me from the pain. This kept me from the truth. This made it harder to overcome the emotional scars. This created a mass, an area of dull feeling, an area of non-reality that permeated my being. Sometimes being good is bad.

Feelings were present

to hide other feelings;

pleasing my mother, obeying “God”

created the mass.

And now I stand at the doorway.

I call “God” out.

I call “Mother” out.

I say, stop it! You will smother me no more.

I will come out and disobey and do what I please.

I am not a slave.

It’s better to be mischievous and disobedient,

dynamic and young,

than stunted and muted and obedient.

Virtue for the sake of reward is not virtue, but chains.

“Anyone who curses his father or mother shall be put to death; since he has cursed his father or mother, he has forfeited his life.” Leviticus 20:9

Satan’s words can be found in the Bible. God is wisdom, not vengeance; God is love, not murder; see Satan in these words, and acknowledge the unholy deeds committed worldwide because of Satan’s words in Holy Books.

Aug. 23, 1977

      The walls of “Mother” are falling!

“You shall not make for yourselves molten gods.” Exodus 34:17

I created a false mother that mutated into a false god. Overcoming the false mother and false god was very important.


San Jose State University


Aug. 31, 1977


      Having come down in a cloud, the Lord stood with him there and proclaimed his name, “Lord.” Thus the Lord passed before him and cried out, “The Lord, the Lord, a merciful and gracious God, slow to anger and rich in kindness and fidelity, continuing his kindness for a thousand generations, and forgiving wickedness and crime and sin; yet not declaring the guilty guiltless, but punishing children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generation for their fathers’ wickedness!” Exodus 34:5 to 34:7

      Tonight I rode my bike to San Jose State to see where I had to go tomorrow for my classes. There was a band playing, and I was able to relate what I felt in the hospital to what I was feeling that moment. Everything hurt a lot. I went under a tree where no one could see me and cried. I realized the pain wasn’t my fault. After thinking my mother was dead, I was facing total catastrophe. It was like a curse.

While under the tree, I thought about a house near the school. There were insane people inside. Due to Governor Reagan’s budget cuts, the campus at San Jose State is surrounded by homes for the mentally ill. We call them “nut houses.” These people walk around the campus during the day. One man imagines someone is following him. The person following keeps poking him on the shoulder. He never stops poking him. The man swats at him to make him leave. People stand like statues. Sometimes they stand in the middle of traffic. One man poses as if he’s the Statue of Liberty! These people are trapped inside themselves. I felt close to them. In my mind, I could see a hand over the house. In a flash, I found myself somewhere else. I was in a desert, walking along a path. The mentally ill people were with me. They seemed sane. They were crying to get out of the desert. This was a well-traveled path. It looked like a lot of people had traveled this trail, and a lot never made it out. We walked by several dead bodies. The man with the fellow poking him pleaded with the man to stop. I intervened. I told him to let the idiot poke him until he got tired of it. Maybe that would solve the problem. “I’ll never let him get what he wants,” snorted the man. “You must forgive him,” I replied. “If you don’t, he’ll never stop tormenting you.”

I then realized in order to overcome the emotional scars, I needed to forgive myself for believing my mother was dead. This was very difficult, for even if I forgave in the present moment, it wouldn’t mean I’d forgive in the past.

      The different forms of thought were like different generations. Each form of thought was faced separately. When one form of thought was forgiven, the other forms of thought wailed in pain, waiting, until they were also forgiven.

      A generation that cannot forgive roams history like a ghost. It is very important for nations to forgive each other. If they don’t, they curse their children. Not to forgive is to roam the mind like a ghost. Sometimes the hate surfaces, and other times it looms in the shadows, but it’s always harmful. Parenthetically, the campus at San Jose State was surrounded by homes for the mentally ill, and I did see them walking around the campus. The night before school, I road my bike to the campus, heard the music, and realized that the hospital experience was like a curse from the past. Sitting under a tree, thinking about the future and the past, I cried. However, the story about the desert was conceived and written years later.

      “You have heard that it was said, ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thy enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who persecute and calumniate you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven, who makes his sun to rise on the good and the evil, and sends rain on the just and the unjust.” Mathew 5:43 to 5:45

So tomorrow I go forward into another era of my life! God bless this era. Please God, let it be a happy one!

      At this point, I was still in a lot of trouble. Although I remembered the hospital and the test, it was like seeing a huge mountain from far away. It seemed so close you can reach out and touch it, but you only see its contours. You can’t see the important details of the mountain. You can’t feel the cold of its peaks, or the hardness of its stone. The fact that I remembered wasn’t good enough. Memory didn’t reduce the pain. Remembering was like removing bandages to see a raw, unhealed wound. There was less fantasy, less places to escape; the lava pounded me.

      Memories from years after the hospital constantly popped into view. I needed to deal with these memories to come closer to the mountain. I saw the contours of the test spread from one year to the next. Slowly, as I dealt with eight grade, second grade, fourth grade, and others, I dealt with how the hospital affected me. I removed the soil that was in the way. I finally felt the cold of the mountain’s peak, and touched the hard stone.

Sept. 21, 1977


“Here, then,” said the Lord, “is the covenant I will make. Before the eyes of all your people I will work such marvels as have never been wrought in any nation anywhere on earth, so that this people among whom you live may see how awe-inspiring are the deeds which I, the Lord, will do at your side. But you, on your part, must keep the commandments I am giving you today.” Exodus 34:10 to 34:11 

      There is no choice to make. I cannot choose something over what my body wants. I must face what my body wants and needs to face.

I stand before the great god,

the god of my body and past.

I must kneel before it and bow

to its wishes. I must flow with

it and become one…

April 24, 1978


      I sink into the feeling, and with the help of 1-2 thought from sixth grade down, dissipate. More and more, it seems I’m breaking away from high school repressions. When I think 1-2 thought from the hospital, I stand a good chance of never being bothered by the projecting repression again.

When the repression persists, it’s because sensations from high school arise, and block memory. I name these repressions, feelings of the hospital, and 1-2 thought from high school pops up. I remember these experiences as if they’re happening in the present moment. I see the emotions and relive experiences. When I do this, I’m cured from the specific emotions that were bothering me.

I’ve been remembering childhood experiences from around four to five years of age, and linking the emotions to the hospital. Instead of dissipating stuck feelings from high school, I’ve been bypassing that, and going directly to the hospital. 1-2 thought from childhood is coming easily, and with it base thoughts from the hospital.

      Memories of the hospital mean more 1-2 thought, and more connections are needed. Memory means there is something blocking my mind from experiencing the base thoughts! I must link this memory with different experiences. Once doing so, sooner or later, as I scrape off excess emotions from different periods, the base thoughts come. It is inevitable that I be cured; no string is infinite.

      It’s not just any kind of memory that will cure me. It’s 1-2 thought, vivid memory! Memory that isn’t 1-2 thought is 1-4 thought or higher. Memory that isn’t vivid must be scrutinized. Is it 1-4, 1-8, 1-16, 1-32, or 1-64 thought? The thought sections must be separated into 1-4 thought. The different layers of soil must be identified. Then, by applying 1-2 thought, memory comes! Memory is often distant, vague, and cloudy. This means emotions and memories are piled onto it. These excess thoughts and emotions must be scraped off by applying 1-2 thought. Doing so, I move closer to the mountain.

Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could not we cast it out?” He said to them, “Because of your little faith; for amen I say to you, if you have faith like a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Remove from here’; and it will remove. And nothing will be impossible to you.” Mathew 17:18 to 17:19

April 25, 1978


      I’m in horrible pain. I remember the awful moments, but there are still mental blocks. One undissipated moment is when I saw my mother walk away, and thought she abandoned me. I’ve been walking around with those feelings in me. It’s horrible.

I’m close to the inner core, the molten lava. 1-4 thought and higher cloud the memory. Until I identify the 1-4 thought, and apply 1-2 thought, the pain will torture me. I must identify the thoughts and memories that are blocking the 1-2 thought. Once doing so, I must simultaneously concentrate on the memory of the hospital, and the thoughts and memories clouding my thinking. This will produce 1-2 thought.


May 25, 1978


      I’m lucky to the deepest soul. I’m dissipating my past. I’m calling subconscious feelings what they are—and these feelings, entangled in my motives and actions, are becoming memory.

God is everywhere, like a mirror that can never be covered! God is here and there! God is now and then! God is today and tomorrow! Breathe, and smell God. Touch, and touch God! Hear, and hear God! Taste, and taste God! The moment is God; rejoice in the moment, because the moment is God! What is “I am?” “I am” is a mirror image of God!

To search for God is to look deep inside. One cannot truly know oneself, without knowing God. Living without God is a type of self-estrangement.

“But,” said Moses to God, “when I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ if they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what am I to tell them?” God replied, “I am who am.” Then he added, “This is what you shall tell the Israelites: I AM sent me to you.” Exodus 3:13 to 3:14

June 20, 1978


      I’ve been feeling lousy. I’ve been connecting repressions from junior high to the moments after I watched my mother walk away. That is when I realized more and more I was growing up, and thus, “losing” my mother. Although I say I’ve been feeling lousy, this “lousy,” compared to the past, feels great. I’m dissipating the test. I’m connecting the past to the present. Good feelings are percolating within. It won’t be long until I’ve dissipated the test. I can get mad, and yell and scream!

“Woe to you, Scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because you clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but within they are full of robbery and uncleanness. Thou blind Pharisee! clean first the inside of the cup and of the dish, that the outside too may be clean.” Mathew 23:25 to 23:26

Aug. 29, 1978


      I’m consciously doing what I did in third grade in order to bring out memory. I act it out in my mind, and make connections when new feelings come out. While I act it out, I realize I’m doing it subconsciously, and that’s why the feelings are present. Acting it out is like getting stagnate water moving again. Once doing so, the thoughts revitalize, and memory comes. Connections are made throughout my life. The stagnate thoughts mix with fresh thoughts of the present moment.

      As Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Commandments in his hands, he did not know that the skin of his face had become radiant while he conversed with the Lord. When Aaron, then, and the other Israelites saw Moses and noticed how radiant the skin of his face had become, they were afraid to come near him. Only after Moses called to them did Aaron and all the rulers of the community come back to him. Moses then spoke to them. Exodus 34:29 to 34:31

T he Part of me I Always Hated


Oct. 27, 1978


      I’m being cured, but it is not beautiful. I hate myself. I love myself, too. Just because the love overcomes the hate, it doesn’t mean it feels good.

I could easily give up, it’s just that there’s nowhere to go. There’s no chair to sit in where I won’t hate myself.

      I hate myself for most everything, anything for an excuse to hate myself. I’m a genius at thinking of reasons to. Constant hate, constant nuisance, disturbance, pain.


The part of me I always hated,

is me.

I’m the one that thinks stupid things,

that makes wrong conclusions,

gets scared because he’s alone.

It’s my fault.

I tried to stop being scared,

but I couldn’t.

I couldn’t stop being me.

I’m still scared, just like then. I haven’t changed. I’m scared of stupid things, just like then. I’m scared of not studying, not doing good in school. Not going out when I want to. Not being liked. Not eating. Loosing weight. Not asking a special girl out. Not spelling these stupid words right. Losing at anything I constantly think of. Car breaking down. Looking ugly. Saying stupid things.

      As I looked at the lizard, the lizard began to look familiar. Its eyes looked similar to someone. I had seen its nose, its chin, its cheeks. Oh yes, I saw the lizard when I looked in the mirror. I was the lizard.

In time, I realized the molten log belonged in me. It was the thoughts that avoided and condemned that were wrong! I had to focus on why I didn’t want the molten log present. The problem wasn’t so much unconscious thought, the problem was conscious thought. It was thoughts I had been thinking for a long time; so long, I barely noticed. The thoughts were habitual, like my physical posture or golf swing! At the age of seventeen, I was still screaming in my mind, “Didn’t think it, didn’t think it, didn’t think it…” This was a reflex, a relic from the past! I needed to respect the molten feeling to reverse the condemnation and release the pent up emotions. I confronted the lizard and told it to stop hating. I loved my thoughts for what they were and nothing more. My thoughts didn’t have to prove anything. My thoughts were home inside. I could think anything and it was worthwhile—God doesn’t make junk thoughts. Previously shunned thoughts were gathered around the altar, like children during a Sunday Mass, and told they were valued and loved. I loved these thoughts more than any thought in my mind.

I guarded my thoughts; when I sensed judgment, I chose the molten feeling over ego; I questioned morals and beliefs, when they caused condemnation, I discarded them. Self respect was the love overcoming the hate.    

     And sitting down, he called the Twelve and said to them, “If any man wishes to be first, he shall be last of all, and servant of all.” And he took a little child, and set him in their midst, and taking him into his arms, he said to them, “Whoever receives one such little child for my sake, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.” Mark 9:34 to 9:36

Nov. 1, 1978


      Pain and disturbance are still present, but I’m remembering more and more like it is in the present moment.

11:05 P.M. I’m extremely tired. Both yesterday and today I experienced headaches by 4:00 P.M. due to consciously clinging to the pain. The pain is slipping into memory. The pain is becoming less and less, as I remember more and more.

Nov. 3, 1978


      I’m concentrating on the feelings and remembering. I would have asked this girl out, but by not doing so, it’s like admitting I thought my mother was dead. I like her a lot, but these feelings make everything complicated. Things are coming to an end. It’s either me or the repressions, both of us can’t last.


The body decided I would not go out.

The mind noticed this,

and respected the body.

“Oh no.” you say. “You decided

not to go out?” Consciously

deciding not to go out was

taking control.

      I was becoming one with myself not only in my thoughts but my actions. My younger self didn’t want to go out, so I became one with it by staying home. Only then, when ready, could we leave the room together.

      And they were bringing little children to him that he might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw them, he was indignant, and said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for of such is thekingdom of God. Amen I say to you, whoever does not accept theKingdom of God as a little child will not enter it.” And he put his arms about them, and laying his hands upon them, he began to bless them. Mark 10:13 to 10:16


Nov. 4, 1978


10:41 A.M. I feel drowsy and dizzy like I did at the hospital. I can’t believe the state I’m in. It’s like suspended animation. My body feels funny, almost like its foreign; these bones, these teeth, muscles; my body feels too large, like it isn’t mine.


Like a fingerprint,

a snowflake,

a person—

each moment is unique.

Live it, experience it, embrace it,

the moment will never come again…

1:55 P.M. I’m all alone this weekend. My parents went to Lake Tahoe. I’m sitting here alone with no music playing or anything. If I wasn’t sick, I’d ask this girl out, for sure, but I put feelings for my mother onto her. I feel that I can be cured shortly, and then ask her out.

“…But many who are first now will be last, and many who are last now will be first.” Mark 10:31


Nov. 5, 1978


      I once thought memory would come easily after a certain point, but nothing is coming easily. This process of being cured is a very slow one. In the mean time, my mind periodically sizzles.

9:37 A.M. I’ve experienced some base thoughts from the test. The last base thoughts were produced about a month ago. The water is moving faster and faster. I’m feeling better. I haven’t dissipated everything, but perhaps I’ve turned the corner.


I’m at the boarder. I’m

passing from one state to

the next.

Go ahead, step through.

Put the book DOWN!

I can leave the room and

breath fresh air!

It’s been a rough rapid. The

waterfall is soon to approach.

It seems impossible that I can

step ashore, yet I do…

Luke 6:27 to 6:49

“But I say to you who are listening: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you, pray for those who calumniate you. And to him who strikes thee on the one cheek, offer the other also; and from him who takes away thy cloak, do not withhold thy tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of thee, and from him who takes away thy goods, ask no return. And even as you wish men to do you, so also do to them. And if you love those who love you, what merit have you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what merit have you? For even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive in return, what merit have you? For even sinners lend to sinners that they may get back as much in return. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, not hoping for any return, and your reward shall be great, and you shall be children of the Most High, for he is kind towards the ungrateful and evil. Be merciful, therefore, even as your Father is merciful.

Do not judge, and you shall not be judged; do not condemn, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you shall be forgiven; give, and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, shall they pour into your lap. For with what measure you measure, it shall be measured to you.”

And he spoke a parable also to them, “Can a blind man guide a blind man? Will not both fall into a pit? No disciple is above his teacher; but when perfected, everyone will be like his teacher. But why dost thou see the speck in thy brother’s eye, and yet dost not consider the beam in thy own eye? And how canst thou say to thy brother, ‘Brother, let me cast out the speck from thy eye,’ while thou thyself dost not see the beam in thy own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam from thy own eye, and then thou wilt see clearly to cast out the speck from thy brother’s eye.

For there is no good tree that bears bad fruit, nor is there a bad tree that bears good fruit. For every tree is known by its fruit. For from thorns men do not gather figs, neither from a bramble do they harvest grapes. The good man from the good treasure of his heart brings forth that which is good; and the evil man from the evil treasure brings forth that which is evil. For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

But why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not practice the things that I say? Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and acts upon them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid a foundation upon rock. And when a flood came, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it; because it was founded on rock. But he who has heard my words and has not acted upon them is like a man who built his house upon ground without a foundation; against which the stream broke and straightway it fell in, and great was the wreck of that house.”